It was my motive. [It comes out before he can stop it. Sharp. Because Salieri's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid he should have never given the envelope to Discord. Not that second time, and not this time, and furthermore he should never have given Discord that dagger. He thought it would be safe with him, but he didn't think to ask, didn't want to pry, not after Sunday--
It should've been him. Not Discord, him. But because of his stupid, selfish decisions--
Discord always saw the parts of him that were ugly, were bad, were cruel and bitter and selfish and black and he'd drawn them out even when Salieri had tried to suppress them, and Salieri had gotten too comfortable with that, had trusted that too much without asking what kind of toll they would take on Discord himself, and it was stupid, so stupid to not ask, to put all of that on Discord because it was offered, and then he turned around and made it worse--
--it feels like those hands are back, tearing at him, clawing at the inside of his head, and for a dark, fleeting moment he wonders how much better off they all would be if he'd never existed in the first place. Not here. Or if he'd just kept to himself, only stepped in when necessary like he always has in Court. If hadn't reached out, hadn't connected with any of them, would this have all been easier? Would that have fixed everything, if he just wasn't there? Would Discord still be alive? Would he have even thought to kill himself?
Everything about this was a terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad situation where everyone gets let down and important people die and all roads lead back to one Maestro Antonio Salieri.]
1/3 cw: suicide discussion, disassociation, not wanting to exist
It should've been him. Not Discord, him. But because of his stupid, selfish decisions--
Discord always saw the parts of him that were ugly, were bad, were cruel and bitter and selfish and black and he'd drawn them out even when Salieri had tried to suppress them, and Salieri had gotten too comfortable with that, had trusted that too much without asking what kind of toll they would take on Discord himself, and it was stupid, so stupid to not ask, to put all of that on Discord because it was offered, and then he turned around and made it worse--
--it feels like those hands are back, tearing at him, clawing at the inside of his head, and for a dark, fleeting moment he wonders how much better off they all would be if he'd never existed in the first place. Not here. Or if he'd just kept to himself, only stepped in when necessary like he always has in Court. If hadn't reached out, hadn't connected with any of them, would this have all been easier? Would that have fixed everything, if he just wasn't there? Would Discord still be alive? Would he have even thought to kill himself?
Everything about this was a terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad situation where everyone gets let down and important people die and all roads lead back to one Maestro Antonio Salieri.]