curtainsdown | the mark of those who cannot be saved

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act 3

the mark of those who cannot be saved

[You remember dying. Maybe the memory is clear and bright and your body still aches from the cause. Maybe it was fast enough that you didn't feel it and don't remember what you went through. But no matter how you went out, that's no excuse for truancy! Which is to say: you are still in the school.

For those executed, you will wake up in your beds. The dormitories look exactly as they did when you first arrived, without any of the changes or personal effects you and your dormmates might have made. The only real difference is that the little cot in Ambassador isn't there.

For those who were victims, you will wake where your body was discovered. All of your injuries are gone, and you feel fine. It's almost like you're still alive - but you remember what happened to you. It couldn't have just been a dream, could it?

The school looks much as you remember it, save perhaps for a few key differences. For one, there's no groundhog murals anywhere. Where things were green on the other side, like banners or paint, you'll find that here they're blood red.

The doors, for the moment, are still locked. Looks like even death couldn't free you.]

Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5

(( ooc: Welcome to deadland, everyone! It mostly resembles the school here, and new floors will be revealed after new people die. For example, the second area will unlock after the week 3 dead arrive, and so on. Also, all dead characters will wake up at their actual canonpoint, with all lost memories restored. Have fun being dead! ))

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[It won't be hard for Salieri to do, even with Varian knowing now he's much older than the yearbook suggested. He'd forgotten over a year of his life after all, but you can really only grow into your already gangly teenage body at that point. Varian's grip on Salieri is as tight as it is weak, trying to focus on the sound of his voice, his breathing, his heartbeat which should be impossible yet he knows that this place seems to emulate reality even though it's clearly on another plane. They're dead, no matter how much it feels like they could still be alive.

Varian had just assumed that someone killed Salieri, because there's...no feasible way Salieri would hurt anyone. That's just not an option that computes. It could have been an accident, god forbid it was intentional, it doesn't really matter when it's done and you're dead now does it? So when Salieri says that...that his death was his choice...

It's the only thing that's able to shake Varian enough to draw back to try to look at Salieri's face, his eyes darting as if searching his expression for the change that will indicate he's lying. Or maybe Varian's misunderstanding him somehow, or maybe-]

...w-what do you mean?

[What happened]

I...[Salieri lets Varian draw back, and for a moment his eyes are downcast, before he steels himself and looks up. He meets Varian's searching gaze, and there's a furrow to his brow--]

...my picture, it...was everyone. And I...I didn't know until it was nearly too late, and then Discord--[he stops, closes his eyes, shakes his head. He takes a breath and then lets it out, slowly, and opens his eyes again. Despite the streaks of black make up, he seems somehow calmer, like he's tucked his emotions away, controlling them for now.]

The short of it is, the Wizard's motive that I could prevent was...the death of everyone. If I didn't do anything, then they would all be gone. And by the time I found out, there was...there was no time to come up with another plan and I'd just lost you, and Rina, and...and so I took the first idea that came to mind. I thought...I thought, with Discord's powers, perhaps if he got out, he could come back and get us--what could death do in the face of the Powers of Chaos?

[Salieri swallows; even as he speaks it out loud, the plan seems less and less like anything worth trying and nothing but a wild, speculative chance]

So I asked Discord to kill me.

Edited 2021-07-04 17:35 (UTC)

[Varian is still struggling to catch his breath while he gives Salieri the floor to explain, his eyes glassy with unshed tears and the rest of him still shaking uncontrollably besides. There's a part of him that doesn't want to know, that feels like he'd be better off ignorant in how Salieri died. That he'd probably just end up even sadder, or worse...end up resenting, even hating, someone he came to love as his family.

...he never thought that person would be the one actually holding him in his arms. The reasoning...doesn't matter. Given the context Varian now has, he knows that the Wizard never intended to make good on any of the promises he lauded in those motives. Sure, he could easily kill everyone if he wanted...but he could do that literally any other time. It would probably be a mercy, if he did. The threat was just enough incentive to get Salieri to act, and it worked.

So on one hand, Salieri's reaction here...it makes sense. But on the other...

It means that Salieri left everyone knowingly. Willingly. He left them behind, expecting them to fail, to die.]

...no. No, you...

[It's wrong.]

You didn't. You- you have to tell me you didn't-

[Salieri doesn't look away from Varian, though the temptation is strong. He takes a breath, and breathes out, slow]

I did.

[...it's hard for Varian to believe, but above all else he knew Salieri to always be honest with him. At least, that's what he thought. Hearing this...changes things. He wouldn't lie about this, because this...is a worse alternative to Salieri simply being a victim.

This is so, so much worse.

Now, Varian would be a hypocrite to completely condemn the man for his actions. He acted desperately due to a motive given by the Wizard, which is exactly what Varian had done. Varian had been on the cusp of actually doing something terrible on purpose, even...but it wasn't like either of them could have known that the Wizard's promises were all lies. Varian didn't have the context of his missing memories, making him believe things were a different way...but that's not quite how things are here.

Salieri is an adult where Varian is still young, not that this absolves one from being capable of making mistakes or terrible decisions. And he had to have been in a terrible state of mind after the week Varian had put them all through...

And yet. And YET.]

[So I asked Discord to kill me.

This wasn't just about being selfish, or wanting to save a family member. In doing this, Salieri involved everyone. Discord especially, but those who had been left behind...those he'd promised to oversee and protect.

Varian wants to shove the man away from him as equally as he wants to keep his hold on him and never let go. It's such a painful clashing of emotions that he feels like he might pass out, so instead he'll grab the lapels of his jacket and just.

He shakes him, once, and then lets the anger on his face carry out the rest for the time being.]

You left them!!

[Varian has long since given up on himself. He doesn't care what happens to him, personally, anymore. It's the others that matter. Farrah, Spongebob, Maya, Peregrine...

His hands grip Salieri's front so tightly that it's a miracle the seams aren't ripping.]

The Wizard doesn't keep his promises. He knew- he knew my dad was okay! He KNEW I would have done anything to save him, and I killed Rina for nothing, do you understand!? None of this- none of it even mattered!

[His anger twists into anguish. Of all people, Salieri...]

He...he could have just killed Discord even if he got away with it. It would have been a waste. You were going to let everyone die for a chance?

They trusted you to protect them! I...I trust...

[Varian grips at him, shakes him, yells, and for a moment, Salieri’s eyes go wide, just…staring as Varian’s fury washes over him, and the truth hits him, the pieces fall back into place: The Wizard knew Varian's father was okay. The Wizard doesn’t keep his promises, but Salieri saw, the picture was

corpses, the blood underneath them,
everyone he’s ever loved here
and that same desperation that gripped him last night feels like it's choking him, fingers clawing in his chest but worse now because not only is it he can’t let that happen, he can’t lose them, I couldn't do anything! can’t can’t he can’t lose everything again, of he has to act, has to do something, another plan another plot this time to save everyone but there's no time, it's already morning and if he doesn't do anything, doesn't get Discord to co along with it they're all gone for good, for sure,

it's the only way, the only way and he has to save them

-none of it even mattered!
he put them all in danger and for what, for what, for his fear, for his useless fear and he's done this to all of them, his family, to Discord and it feels like there's something in him clawing at the inside of his skull and part of him wants it to not be true, because it means that everything he's done wake me up, i'm dreaming was pointless, couldn't do anything--]

[They trusted you to protect them!

Salieri can feel something like despair growing in his chest, he was supposed to protect them, wasn't he? Wasn't he? That was the one thing he had left EVERY PERSON WHO FORGETS YOU and he was meant to keep them safe, to keep them alive, to keep them sane, to keep them
to keep them

I spiral slowly
it was his job it was on him he had to and he was exhausted not sleeping but desperate to do the one thing he could do to protect them and he was so tired and so he]

[SO FORGIVE ME FOR DOING WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU
SO FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO MAKE THIS EASIER]

[and he's just blank faced, looking at Varian--]

...I thought I was.

[quietly, shaking slightly, devastated]

Edited 2021-07-04 21:25 (UTC)

[I thought I was.

Of course. Of course Salieri thought he was doing the right thing. Varian had his doubts that he would have acted frivolously, but that doesn't change the fact that he acted when he should have just...]

So before another line gets crossed
And everything we've had is lost
Just... wait

[But I won't wait...

Salieri had to do something. He had to act, and he had to do it right then. It led to an act of desperation, and now...now two more of them are dead, and it's for god damn nothing.

Varian's knuckles are white, and he's tempted to hit the man. To shake him harder, to do something to make him understand just how bad this was...but he can't. He slides forward a little until his forehead drops against Salieri's chest, free of the blood that another one of his children had to witness. Varian can't imagine the chaos this sent the living into. And Farrah...oh Farrah.

It's enough to make more tears fall when he closes his eyes, a hitching breath catching in the back of his throat.]

...that's what he wants. He wants us to think we're doing something we're not. And when you realize it...it's too late.

[He murmurs the lyrics to another, grimly familiar song, but it's more...him speaking the words than singing them.]

...you take one step and it's hard to turn back
It pulls you along
And though it seems wrong it feels right

Don't you see...

[Varian pulls back again, looking at Salieri imploringly.]

You...shouldn't have done this.

[Salieri feels numb, as Varian explains further, as his head drops onto Salieri's chest and then raises, looking at him, imploringly, begging him to understand--

Death doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
History obliterates
In every picture it paints
It paints me and all my mistakes

and he does, he does

Salieri's gaze drops, then, because he can't bear to look at Varian any more because he feels sick, horrified, disgusted with himself and he--]

No. No, I shouldn't have. [quietly, still, just...numb]

[At this point, Varian staying where he is feels...inappropriate. So he'll carefully pull himself from Salieri, shifting so he's kneeling on the floor in front of him instead of propped up in his lap. He's not going to leave him just yet, and he's not actually letting him go...but that unrelenting grip on his lapels does relax, just a fraction. He was holding onto him so hard it was starting to actually make his joints ache, and he doesn't need that on top of his teeth being grit so hard his skull almost rattles from the force of it.]

...Did you honestly think they wouldn't be able to figure it out? Sissi and I confessed, but the SQUIP did everything it could not to get caught, and we still learned the truth.

What are you going to do if Discord shows up here? Where is that going to leave them?

[He hates that Salieri won't look at him. He hates it.]

They'll have lost both of you. For nothing.

[what is there to say to that? He's right.

Varian's right and in a desperate bid for Salieri do what he thought would protect all he had left, he's gone and destroyed it all.

Victim da ma victoire now that he remembers it, he's walked this path before, failed before, fallen before and he had forgotten, having only a vague idea of what he'd done, Mozart's death, but not his own consequences that he could've learned from, if he'd known, maybe he could have--]

You're right.

[but he didn't. He didn't and now But I'm the one who paid for it, I died, and I paid for it

[Being angry is easy.

...seeing himself in Salieri's decisions makes this much, much harder for Varian to face. His choice was nowhere near so noble of an attempt, if one would even dare call it such. He might not have gone through with murder in the end, but that doesn't change the fact he'd been meditating on it. If Rina hadn't intervened when she did, it's very likely he would have killed someone on purpose.

And that's a sobering thought.

Varian lets his clothes go, finally, his own hands sliding down to rest uselessly in his lap. It's encouraging, at least, to know that Salieri gets that he's made a huge mistake. And as much as Varian still isn't okay with this, not even remotely...there's still more to explain.]

It isn't my place to be the one to forgive you for this. If I had my way...I probably never would have gotten to see you again.

[His expression tightens, his throat hurting from crying.]

...But I...understand. I know what that desperation feels like. I know what it's like to be backed into a corner...to feel like you have no other options.

I'm just sorry it happened to you, too.

[Varian lets him go and Salieri slumps back on his haunches, shoulders curling forward a bit, hunching.

That...the kindness of those words hurts almost as much as the dagger. He doesn't deserve that empathy, or sympathy. Varian is a child; Salieri is an adult. The former is much more forgivable than the latter. But Salieri had let himself be manipulated, because he hadn't listened to his own words, because he didn't listen to Eurydice, because he just...didn't listen. And he's hurt everyone because of it. People who he'd claimed to love.

Why should he get any even remotely kind words for that?

So he's...quiet, for a long moment, and he closes eyes as his head tips forward, giving up on holding back any tears any more. What does he have left now but regret?]

[Salieri should be left alone. Varian should leave him here to stew on the gravity of what he'd done, because it's important that it sinks in since now...the rest of the living are just being put through more suffering because of it. But Salieri was right about one thing...

Varian is a child. And while he might not be able to forgive something like this, there's one thing he's resolved to never do.

He moves closer, wrapping his arms around Salieri's neck again, pulling him into his arms, this time.]

No one can be expected to make the right decisions under that kind of pressure. It's...not going to make up for it, at all, but...

[He closes his eyes, his face pressed halfway to his shoulder. Even here, he's exactly as Varian remembers him. The shape of him, the way he smells...]

I'm not going to leave you alone.

[he doesn't deserve this. He knows he doesn't.

Cause I think you're so good--

...that was wrong. It was all wrong. He's not good, he's a villain from someone else's story (Best Example of a Narrative Foil,) but Varian still wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him in, tells him that he's not alone and part of Salieri feels like he should draw back from that, but...

he can't help but fold down a little into that embrace, reaching out tentatively to put his arms around Varian--he doesn't hold on or cling, he just is there for a moment.

Eventually, he manages, quietly:]

Thank you.

[Maybe Salieri doesn't deserve sympathy, but...Varian went through his trial completely accepting the idea he was an irredeemable monster. Yet...each and every person there championed for him to be saved. Several of them were willing to put him out of his misery themselves to save him the cruelty of an execution...Salieri tried to go after the Wizard.

How can he not show the same compassion when he'd been afforded it when it wasn't truly earned, much less deserved?

He's tired. He's tired of the pain, and the suffering. He's so, so tired of being miserable. He doesn't take any joy in seeing Salieri, the one person among them he thought would never break...like this.

Salieri was maybe a bit too good at keeping his issues under wraps, in the end.]

...I love you, okay? No matter what happens, even if...even if we end up stuck in this place forever. I know you were trying to do what you felt was right.

[...]

But...if any of the others find themselves here too, I won't be able to defend you.

[He doesn't have that right.]

[at that last bit, Salieri lets out a small huff]

Please don't. [his voice is rough, strained, but he's at least managing a hint of that dry tone of his] They have more than earned the right to their grievances.

[he's quiet, for a moment. Then--]

I love you, too.

[Okay, good. They might never be able to air them, of course, but...it's a start.

There's not much Varian can do for Salieri right now, he knows. Offer him his sympathy, tell him how stupid he was, all of that is well and good...but it still leaves this awful, gnawing emptiness Varian isn't quite sure how to fill.

In the end, he shifts back and forth between what and what not to do for a bit until he moves to lay a kiss against the poor man's temple before drawing away from him just enough to start to stand, taking Salieri's hand because he doesn't trust him to actually reach for it or like...do anything without his assistance.]

This place is just like the school, so...we don't have to stay here.

[The dorms are...well. Back to the way they were, at least...he just doesn't want Salieri to stay where he was, you know.

Murdered.]

[Salieri breathes out as Varian presses a kiss to his temple, looking up as Varian then takes his hand and pushes to his feet. Considering Salieri's make up is something he usually puts on when he wakes up, he's not wearing any at the moment...and therefore the dark circles under his eyes and the obvious signs of exhaustion that he's been hiding in large part with makeup are now pretty obvious.

But he does nod, moving to push to his feet]

I see. How convenient, to not have to sleep on the cafeteria floor. [he's trying to affect some of his old humor; slot that back into place]

[A humorless huff of breath escapes Varian when Salieri says that, because yeah...it all is rather convenient, isn't it?]

We can't even escape prison in death. Should've seen it coming, honestly...

[And he really does mean that. It's a prison. It doesn't matter how many new areas they get, as long as they're trapped here...he'll never be able to see it as anything like a home. Even forming a sort of found family here isn't enough to change that.]

Sorry it's kindof...not the best kind of welcome you could've gotten, but. Honestly, things here aren't all that different than they were up there.

[...]

It's...quieter.

[No Wizard. No Hester. No murder. No death.]

Quieter.

[he huffs out a small sigh at that, reaching up to rub a hand over his eyes.]

Yes, I imagine so.

[Varian's brows knit together a little as they walk, because...it's made abundantly clear just how quiet it is. How empty the school is, now.

It's better that it's empty, but...still.]

Uh...before we go anywhere else, there's...actually something I want to show you. Is that okay?

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